Caregiving in a crisis requires the ultimate level of self-care.

Caregiving during a loved one’s cancer journey demands emotional resilience and self-care at its highest level. It’s not just about managing daily tasks—it’s about maintaining your calm, which has a profound impact on your loved one.

Keeping your own nervous system regulated is the ultimate gift of care you can offer to your loved one as they heal from cancer. I have learned from experience that people in close relationships can pick up on each other’s cues and soothe each other without a single word.

Research supports this idea, showing that humans can communicate powerfully through touch. (Here’s a fascinating study on this connection.)

What if I told you that when you are a caregiver, your fear is seen and felt and multiplied in the eyes of the person you are caring for?

They look and scan their environment to justify their own fear and uncertainty. This is a fight-or-flight response, and it is naturally present when someone feels threatened. Any external cue that suggests danger catches their attention and is often magnified, reinforcing their inner voice that says, “I knew I had a reason to be afraid.”

That’s quite a big responsibility, especially on top of everything else you’re likely already managing.

A Story of Shared Breath: Finding Calm Together

This reminds me of a time long ago when my first baby was born, and I began my most challenging caregiving journey—raising a child with complex medical needs.
This baby girl would not sleep ANYWHERE but on my or daddy’s chest, her heart directly over ours. I was consumed by thoughts that this wasn’t the “right” way to do things and exhausted myself trying every method to get her to sleep in her crib. It was physically and emotionally draining.… until someone shared this wisdom with me:

“What if she needs to feel her parents’ calm, rhythmic breathing to regulate her own? What if this is how she learns to breathe?”

That insight hit me deeply. It shifted the way I thought about her insistence on being close. I stopped fighting it, and eventually, she transitioned to her crib and loved it. But in those moments, allowing myself to relax and follow her cues helped both of us.
 
Looking back, I see how important it was to give her what she needed to grow and thrive. I couldn’t fix her challenges or do everything for her, but I could steady my breathing and offer her calm to guide her through.

 

Boundaries as the Caregiver’s Foundation

When you recognize the importance of managing your own stress and take actionable steps to address it, the benefits ripple outward to everyone involved. The first step is to establish clear boundaries. Taking time to reflect and create a plan while things are calm can make all the difference during moments of crisis. Every decision you can pre-make when things are quiet and steady will serve you well in the moment of need.

Be honest with yourself about your capacity and limits. Protect your ability to tap into reserved emotional strength should something unexpected come your way. You can’t plan every external circumstance, but by deeply knowing yourself, you can anticipate your own response patterns and shape them to serve you and your family.

I would love for you to read one of my favorite articles about boundaries. I love it so much because this was a major area of learning for me, and it was where I experienced the most growth over the different facets of my caregiving experiences.

 

Joy and Fear: Learning to Hold Both

Now, let’s flip to the other side of this coin: your loved one is also looking for a reason to breathe easier, to step away from the images of loss that linger in their mind and to find a sense of calm in their nervous system.

As humans, we are wired for survival, so the fear often comes first. But it’s equally important to remember that we are also wired for connection, growth, service to others, and joy throughout our lives.

Joy is different from happiness: while happiness can be circumstantial, joy has the ability to be present alongside sorrow. It’s as if grief and joy can share a bench; all you have to do is ask grief to scoot over a little and they can both be there simultaneously.

"We don't heal to handle trauma, pain, anxiety or depression. You're used to those. You are healing to be able to handle joy and to accept happiness back into your life"

Deep inside, everyone wants to care for themselves and develop self-care practices that work for them. Yet it takes courage to give yourself permission to accept joy amid darkness. Too often, we equate the depth of our care, concern, and suffering with the absence of joy, happiness, or contentment. We may even believe that if we find joy during hardship, it somehow means we don't care enough. But ask yourself: Is this mindset truly serving you and those you care for?

It’s easier to start finding glimmers in the dark when you see someone else go first.

 

Have you ever tried to find shark teeth on the beach? If you have, then you know! The hardest one is the first one! Once you find ONE, you can notice what to look for and identify patterns. The process becomes easier and faster and, at some point, automatic - that’s when you find them even when you’re not purposely looking for them, just walking on the beach focused on something else. What if we applied the same concept to finding glimmers of goodness in the middle of the cancer experience? What if?

By choosing to go first—to look for those glimmers of joy—you give yourself and your loved one a silent, powerful gift. This act of courage benefits everyone involved, lighting the way for hope and connection to take root.

 

5 Ways to Soothe Your Nervous System and Find Glimmers of Joy

Now for my top five research backed ways to connect with my nervous system, begin healing, and bring glimmers of joy back into my day.

 

1. Share Gratitude Daily

Gratitude has this gentle way of shifting your focus, even when the weight of the world feels heavy. Taking a moment each day to acknowledge what you’re thankful for—even the tiniest things—can create ripples of hope. Share those moments with your loved one. Maybe it’s as simple as saying, “I’m grateful for this time together,” or jotting it down quietly in a journal. Gratitude doesn’t erase the hard parts, but it brings a soft light into the room when things feel dim.

 

2. Take Micro-Breaks to Breathe

When life feels like it’s pulling you in every direction, even the smallest pause can make a difference. A few deep breaths, a step outside to feel the sun on your face, or just a moment to sit still can remind you that you’re here, right now. Box breathing—inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4—has been a lifeline for me. It’s like hitting reset on a stormy mind. These tiny breaks help you stay grounded, even in the chaos.

3. Connect with Nature

There’s something about nature that just knows how to hold you. A quiet walk in the park, the feel of the breeze on your skin, or even sitting by a window filled with plants can create calm where you didn’t think it was possible. If you can, share these moments with your loved one—nature doesn’t ask for anything from us, and sometimes, that’s exactly the kind of peace we need.

 

4. Celebrate Small Wins

The road can feel so long, but every little milestone matters. A good day, a kind word, or a moment of laughter—they all count. Celebrate them. You don’t need a big gesture; even a smile and a “Look at us, we made it through today” can be enough. These small wins are like breadcrumbs leading you toward hope, and when you look back, you’ll realize how much they added up.

 

5. Let Music Be Your Companion

Music has this magic—it reaches places words can’t. A favorite playlist, a song that touches on the current experience, lightens the mood, or even humming together can create joy and connection. Share it with your loved one, or keep it for yourself during those quiet moments. Let the melody remind you that even in the most challenging times, beauty can be found.

These practices aren’t about fixing everything or pretending things aren’t hard. They’re about creating little pockets of peace and moments of joy, even in the middle of it all. You don’t have to do them perfectly—just start where you are.

 

Sometimes, that’s all the resilience you need, and here is the beautiful thing. As a caregiver, you have the power to go first. Following your self-care practices may not be what others will choose to do, but it will benefit YOU and open that door to exploration. They can consider finding out what might work for them, and even if nothing else changes, they will benefit from being next to you and go from there, like my infant daughter when she learned how to breathe…

The choice is always YOURS!
 

Sources

American Psychiatric Association: The Transformative Power of Music in Mental Well-Being
 
Psychology Today: From Small Steps to Big Wins: The Importance of Celebrating
 
Journal of Happiness Studies: Gratitude Interventions: Effective Self-help? A Meta-analysis of the Impact on Symptoms of Depression and Anxiety
 
Cell Reports Medicine: Brief structured respiration practices enhance mood and reduce physiological arousal